Natashasenna
by MistressOfMalplaquet
Summary: After drinking most of Tony's vodka, Natasha lets loose with her own version of the Lokasenna. Fluffy crack, because I can.


**Natashasenna**

* * *

"You know, for someone with such a supposedly impressive CV, you're pretty quiet. What's up with that?" Agent Ward picked up his shot glass, slammed it, and laughed. "That's my fifth, by the way, and you've been nursing that girl drink all night, Romanov." He elbowed Steve, who inched away as far as he could on his plush platinum and leather seat. "Get it? Fifth?"

A stunned silence fell over the group around the table. Loki, in the midst of plotting an elaborate hoax to play on Bruce involving isotopes and Flappy Birds, perked up his ears as Natasha rose to her feet.

"You're very humorous." She picked up the martini glass, chugged it, and reached for the bottle Ward had used to pour his shots; with a pop she pulled out the cork. "Clint, time me, and for once don't stare at my boobs while you're doing it."

Hawkeye sighed and looked at his watch as the level in the large Grey Goose went down. When she slammed it, empty, on the table, he said, "Impressive. Twenty-one seconds – a new record."

"Please. Is that what you hold the record for? I bet I have the most kills in the past few weeks…"

Steve put one hand on Ward's sleeve. "Don't."

"Kills?" Natasha shook her curls off her face. "For most women dying from boredom in your bed? I know exactly how you manly types operate – by lying back like a slug and letting the woman do most of the work."

"Agent May isn't complaining." Ward grinned as though at a pleasant memory.

"Agent May had more orgasms in my bed last night than with you in four weeks. She told me so."

Loki emitted a startled burst of laughter. When he was sent to Manhattan he hardly expected entertainment; he now saw his prejudice was totally false.

"Hey kids, how about a different game instead of playing 'Let's Drink All of The Host's Alcohol and TrashTalk?'" Tony waggled a pack of cards and felt for his wallet.

"And don't you start with me, Stark." Natasha deliberately cracked open another bottle of vodka, drank deeply, and waved it in the air. "I'm tired of watching you lust after Steve all day and not do anything about it, if you want to know the truth. Just because he was born in another age doesn't mean he's not up to speed – I know, because I checked. Get your head out of your iron ass and do something about it."

"Okay, time for bed," Bruce said.

Nat stabbed a finger at him. "That goes for you, too, Banner. I saw you checking out Sam when he flew off – Jesus, do I have to teach you how to make a fucking move on someone? And don't give me that big, green crap. He can spread his wings and escape out the window if things get too kinky, but nooooooo, you just sigh and escape down to your lab to spend time with beakers and equations and test tubes and shit." She snorted. "Compensate much?"

Silence spread over the group; Loki felt as though he had just been handed a huge name day gift as well as a harem of Valkyries. Natasha gave one last snort of derision and shimmied out of the room, Tony's bottle in one gloved fist.

"You know what's weird about that?" Steve said at last.

"What?" Tony asked in a strangled voice.

"She just tore down everyone in the room except for the one guy who _really_ deserves it."

All eyes instantly turned to Loki, who spread his hands in a gesture of innocence.

* * *

Loki waited until noon the following day before he appeared in the Widow's flat with several covered dishes of breakfast meats and black coffee. Natasha sat on the couch, her head knuckled on her fist, and she groaned when he put the food on the couch. "What the hell happened?"

"Vodka. A lot of it. Also, many insults. Agent, you have won my respect anew." Loki plucked the domed cover off the plate of bacon, selected a strip, and ate it.

"Hey!" Natasha's fist got him in the gut; she gestured towards the hallway. "I may be suffering a rare hangover, but it doesn't mean you get to hang out with me over breakfast. Wait a minute," she added. "Before you go, did I really insult everyone?"

"No."

She whistled with relief. "Good. Hopefully I just tore Ward a new asshole and maybe sparred verbally with Tony."

Loki shook his head. "No, you called out the rest on various levels of stupidity, mainly to do with their sexuality. In fact you even insulted your archer. I agree with you in all cases, by the way."

"Whom did I spare, then?"

He smiled down at her – ruffled and angry, like a little hen. "That would be me," he said softly, and closed the door.

* * *

_Come with me to dinner tomorrow. - Loki_

_I can't. Busy. – N_

_Actually, I just realized I am busy as well tomorrow. Never mind. – Loki_

_And I just realized tomorrow is my only free night this week. Sucks for you. – N_

_My schedule just cleared as well. Thank you so much for your kind invitation, Agent; I will pick you up at eight. – Loki_

_Fuck you. - N_

* * *

She glowered at him over the bread plate and frowned. "Why did you ask me out? It's a proven thing I have an evil temper and a foul mouth. You could throw a rock and find a nicer person to date in this town."

"But I like evil tempers." Loki poured her another glass of wine. "And nothing you said that night was false. Actually, I have heard it said Tony finally worked up the nerve to send Steve flowers and tickets to something called Tahiti, so there's that."

"Oh." Natasha skewered him with her gaze, drank some wine, and grimaced. "This is the shittiest vintage I've ever had – it's like grape juice. You'd think New Yorkers could at least serve up some decent plonk."

"I have several bottles of Asgardian wine in my chambers. You can come up and try some if you like." Loki sipped from his own glass; she was right – the pinot truly 'sucked', to use a Midgardian phrase.

"You know, that is the shittiest come-on I've ever heard, and I've had to spend time in Trenton." Natasha cast her eyes up at the ceiling to emphasize her scorn.

"Come-on?" Loki pressed one hand to his chest in mock dismay. "Agent, I would never presume. I simply want to give you the drink you deserve – a wine so red, so dark it appears nearly black under the light in your glass. It rolls on your tongue like silk and slips down your throat with an elegance you can't imagine. The effect is not drunkenness but enhanced clarity as though the world has become meaningful for the first time. And you seem to use the word 'shittiest' quite often. Why is that?"

Her eyes narrowed, and she seemed to measure him. Loki thought she looked ready to strike, beautiful and deadly. Unconcerned, he finished the bread on the plate and stole the untouched roll from her saucer; he had a premonition they wouldn't be in the restaurant much longer.

This proved to be true. Natasha plucked the napkin off her lap, slapped it onto the table, and gestured with her head. "We're going to drink that wine in your place," she announced, and strode off. Loki scattered gold coins on the table and hurried after her. Several diners turned to watch Natasha leave; she was quite a sight with her short skirt and low back revealing pale, satin skin. "What are you looking at?" she snarled at one bald man, who dropped his fork and quickly turned his attention back to his shrimp fra diavolo.

He tried to hold back as long as he could, but a gust of laughter escaped Loki; when he caught up with her on the sidewalk with one arm up to hail a cab, he still shook with mirth.

* * *

Natasha proved to be demanding in bed. She insisted Loki took his time pleasuring her; he poured wine on her slit and licked it with long, lavish strokes. He held her waist from behind and bent her over the bed so he could lap her from the back; that earned him a hum of approval. It was all worth it. She was a voracious lover who wanted to be on top, then underneath, then taken against the wall, then again in the shower, and one last goodnight fuck in bed.

When they were replete and panting side by side on the pillows, she told him to get his ass out of her apartment.

* * *

"What the hell is this?" Natasha held up the slender gold chain with a green stone wrapped in wire. "I don't do jewelry. Give it to another girl." She threw the gift at Loki's chest.

Smoothly he pressed it back in her hands. "The stone can erase the memory of your outburst, if you choose," he explained. "Wear it, and those you have insulted will forget the incident."

"Hm." Natasha plucked up the chain and examined the stone. "I suppose you have to be in the room when I do this?"

Loki bowed. "But of course."

"I can't believe I'm letting you pin me …" Shaking her head at her own stupidity, Natasha clipped the bauble around her neck. "But Ward's gonna keep his insults as my gift. Do you understand?"

"Absolutely." Loki had his own reasons for wanting revenge on Agent Grant Ward. "I would do the same myself."

"I really just want to clear the air with Clint."

"Yes."

"And everything I say to you stays, so you just gotta deal."

"I understand."

She beckoned with one crooked finger. "Now take off those ridiculous leather pants and get in my bed."

He hastened to comply.

* * *

In the end they decided to leave Tony's and Steve's memories intact. Even Bruce, Loki insisted, had improved since Natasha's outburst and had gone so far as buying a phone so he could _think_ about calling Sam.

Clint, however, wore a wounded look around Natasha she said would drive her into therapy before long, so they wiped his memory one afternoon over beers in Tony's penthouse. His expression cleared, and cheerfully he put on the Hawkeyes game, opened a bag of chips, and thrust his feet up on Tony's coffee table.

* * *

"How do you think it went?" Loki asked Natasha later, lying with his head on her thigh.

She shrugged. "Not bad, I suppose. By which I mean you didn't trash the city, so it's an improvement. Now eat me out again, or I swear I'll backhand you into tomorrow."

Loki laughed, surged up to cup her face with his hands, and kissed a very surprised Natasha. He got in five seconds of tongue-licking ecstasy before she grabbed his hair and pushed him down to her cleft.

With both arms he lifted her hips and prepared to make her swoon with delight. She was indeed foul-mouthed, perhaps the rudest being in the nine realms.

He was going to marry her anyway.

* * *

**NOTE - A bit of cracky fluff as a gift to myself; plus I got the concept of Natasha's version of Lokasenna one night and couldn't stop obsessing. As for the final line, apparently my muse likes Top 50 poppy stuff - many, many apologies for her taste in music.**


End file.
